Kouta Posted June 29, 2006 Posted June 29, 2006 Hrm..I see nothing in that background that will describe the reason a hater of fire has a fire jutsu... Also, the last two lines of your personality, I hate them...I'm sick of seeing people do the distant loner character who never cares. I also thought we were against the "my parents died by missing-nin attack"...shows no creativity. Now, his fun little personal battles with himself give the text flavor, but you never describe how he enjoys living on the streets now that his parents are dead and the house doesn't belong to him, nor the fact that he is an orphan now, nor the fact that any missing nin in their right mind would've known your character watched them kill people if they could take out a squad of ANBU easily, which means you'd be dead. I love poking holes into stories with bad grammar!
shizuki Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 If he were "insanity incarnate" he would be institutionalized, or put down.
Rei Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 I also thought we were against the "my parents died by missing-nin attack"...shows no creativity. No, we're against revengers created by the death of a parent or loved one You're correct, "my parents died by missing-nin attack", shows no creativity.
Guest lemonwinhead Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 come on...only 1 of my parents died by misssing nin attack..no they didnt/ i killed the other one...thats creative...isnt it?
Rei Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 come on...only 1 of my parents died by misssing nin attack..no they didnt/ i killed the other one...thats creative...isnt it? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> No, not really.
Guest lemonwinhead Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 (edited) Someone else did that...man. Well what do you suggest, remake my bio. (((Did someone lese really kill there mom out of pure insanity and hate their father to the point that cused his death. Can someone give me an idea...i need help))) Edited June 30, 2006 by lemonwinhead
shizuki Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 It's rather poorly executed, imo. There's no logic behind the origin of his insanity, and you didn't adress my issue of timing.
Guest lemonwinhead Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 ok, i added a bit more to my boi. and before u say anything, the grass villlage would be very unpleasent. Based on the ninja we saw that came out of the grass village (Zetsu, Orochimaru when he was petending to be a grass nin, if you would have gotten a look at teamates he had, theor apperances were ghastly which suggest that the grass village is unpleasent. And those experiment wers based on Nazi experiments (I'm Jewish so I read a lot about the Holucaust)
Rei Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 (Zetsu, Orochimaru when he was petending to be a grass nin, if you would have gotten a look at teamates he had, theor apperances were ghastly which suggest that the grass village is unpleasent. And those experiment wers based on Nazi experiments (I'm Jewish so I read a lot about the Holucaust) This site bgan 100 years after the manga. I strongly doubt coditions are exactly the same. It's best to ask the Harakage how his or her village is.
Guest lemonwinhead Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 ...my profile. is it ok? please, ive been a member for a long time and not one acceptence. there is always something small with my bio. but a true bio cannot be modified except for errors and explain more, becuase that is what happened to the character in his past, and no matte how plain or unrealistc it is, thats what happened and nothing can change that. I lived in a monestary and have gotten stabbed over 20 times with real swords, and im only 16. That may be unrealistic, but that is what happened and nothing can change that. Man Iv'e been a member for a while, for about a month and i dont have not one acceptance.....
Kouta Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 Eh, wanna know why? The trus this...your bio lacks execution...in all honesty, your idea nows are very good...I could write off of this and make it sound wonderful (in my eyes anyways) but we are able to poke holesi not it because you don't have an execution worth praising. 1) You put too much detail into what happened and not why it happened in some cases, and in other cases, you do the exact opposite. Here's some examples: -Nazi prison/torture part...we know what happened, and we know that could drive him insane, but there's no reason why on earth that would happen...people in Kusa don't randomly get kidnapped, although that fun place that apparently is hidden or would otherwisve been known could turn out to be an interesting plot point for Kusa. (I'm Harakage, BTW) -Missing-Nin part...its good about how you say what happens and how he got to go visit the missing ninja, but then, nothing in the scene between the missing ninja and your character would make him do exactly what the ninja would do. He doesn't speak of doing anything beyond killing her, and insanity doesn't mean "I don't have to have a reason." most insane people have justifications to their actions that make sense to them...if you play an insane guy, you need to create those justifications. 2) You try to switch PoV too much. You start by saying, "the third event happened when he was nine..." then in the next two sentences, you start playing from his point of view as if you were there, with dialogue and such. Yes, that technically is changing point of view, since you change from Narrator to Character.
Guest lemonwinhead Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 thanxs...i will change those things now.
Guest lemonwinhead Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 I gave reasons for what you said and removed all the I's and me's to make it purely 3rd person. ((If I'm not mistaken in #rd perso you can have dioluge, just as long as you dont portray a character as yourself. Correct me if im wrong))))
Ironwolf Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 Please refrain from double posting within 72 hours. The background seems to be little different in spirit than Sasuke's, really. And why would the Head Medical Ninja of the village want to give her own son something like that eye? So he can spend most of his life herrased by his fellow ninja's? A mark of what his father did to him, thus incresing his own hatred and shame towards the male gender. And why didn't the mother take him to some one about his obvious masochistic gender disassociative dissorder?
Guest lemonwinhead Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 ok, i remade my bio, but kept the same concept.
Kouta Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 wow..Iron..when did you learn all those words? Those are big words... The bio is about ten times better than it was before, I like it now, aside from a few still standing grammar issues. Iron, to explain that, one could say that, after his ordeal, his mother thought it wouldn't be wise to take him to a doctor, in a white room with very bright lights...
Ozma Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 Well, I'm not sure why you keep PMing me to look at this since I'm not a moderator yet, but eh, I might as well chip in... - There's quite a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes, as well as redundant words. It's still readable, but not very polished. I'd recommend you paste it into MSWord and run it through the spellchecker or something. For example: ~Appearance~-Height: 5' 4" (Remeber, he's only 10) -Weight: 110 -Hair: Seta has short curly hair. It is white with a slight tint of green -Eyes: Seta's right eye is a normal blue eye while his left he is absent of a pupil. It is just white... -Clothing: He wears a lossly fitting white shirt, which has sleeves so longer it goes about 3 inches pass his hand. He shirt is draping over some greenish white pants which look like Goku's pants from Dragon Ball Z (just greenish White). If you don't know what DBZ is than...the pants kinda look like somewhat baggy sweat pants -Physical Description: Seat's frame is tall, but skinny. He dosn'e have that much muscles (explains why he is so terrible in Taijutsu), he a pale white skin tone and no distict scars. That's just from one section. Aside from that, I think it's awesome. I'm a major fan of messed up characters, and that bio just works really well. Good job >_>
Matthias Drake Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 Stats, etc, are approved; for the background I suggest italicizing and dating the first-person journal entries to make it clearer what's going on. Took me a bit to figure it out >_>
Hardcore Skittlez Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 ...Can you actually start with ten extra Jutsu, even with that conversion skill?
Guest Tao Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 exactly, why does he have sooo many jutsu's?? it doesnt make sense.
