Paksennarion

Hullo! I hope you enjoy yourself!

Character Name: Hyuuga Tomoe Village: Konoha Specialties: Bukijutsu (Small weaponry), Taijutsu, Being Particular About Everything Past Gift: N/A

Ninjutsu: D-Rank: Kami o Wakeru | Parting the Hair

Err, so I am attempting to make the free Academy Jutsu available to Academy Students. As I have read the rules I am hopeful this at least makes sense, but please forgive any glaring errors. Ninjutsu: Kami o Wakeru | Ninjutsu: Parting the Hair Type: Ninjutsu [Void; Personal: Hyuuga Tomoe] Rank: Academy Student Cost: 18 Chakra Damage: 5 Effects: The opponent is afflicted with 'Startled' for one (1) turn. Description: Being caught without a weapon at hand leaves most ninja flat-footed. The user has learned to take full advantage of this assumption. By collecting chakra into their fingertips and running their hands through their hair, the ninja can sharpen individual strands of hair so as to function as make-shift senbon. These hair needles lose their consistency almost immediately and thus are relatively harmless, but they can be thrown at the opponent as an unorthodox and distracting attack. Points: ⁿ/ₐ

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Thanks Ichigo, you're actually someone I needta talk to! We wrote together, a bit, when Tane was in the Academy. In trying to figure out my current timeline, I'm wondering if that aspect of Tane's history is important or if I should perhaps ret-con and start over as an Academy Student now -- ignoring that bit back then. I already kinda left you in a lurch back then, so I'd like to not mess things up with my return if at all possible.

Thankee kindly for the welcome. And, uh, I wish I had some of those glow sticks. That's be super snazzy right about now. I did indeed make a character before, so now I've gotta rummage around and see if it's viable to bring her back. Which circles back to my sincerest apologies for the absence that extended ad nauseam.

Heyo, My name is Paks. I was here a while back, maybe a year or two ago, but only for a very short period of time. I recently rediscovered this site and wanted to try to give a return a go, if you'd all permit me. I remember being very excited about things here, and I hope no one will mind if I sneak back in. ~Paks

YAY! I'm not the newest anymoreeee~ Welcome! :3

Link: Hindering Skills | Academy Student Problem: " Jutsu of the Academy rank have a maximum DP of 40, and utilize a 3:2 ratio when determining chakra and stamina costs." Expected: I assume DP is an older term or a typo for CP? Character Rewarded: Hyuuga Tomoe Link: The Path of the Sensor Problem: RP Guide: " A character that follows the Path of the Sensor is very acute to the chakra of people around them." Expected: Very sensitive? Very in tune with? Character Rewarded: Hyuuga Tomoe Link: The Path of the Tactician Problem: RP Guide: "A character that follows the Path of the Tactician is one who understands the nature of the human mind, and how to conquer it. Rarely coming into direct contact with their enemy, the tacticians are a calculating and efficient; they would rather push their opponents into making a mistake and punish them dearly for it. They tend to be distant to others from time to time, due to their observant nature and intelligence, and other times they are very charismatic, able to use words in order to inspire armies or instill fear in the hearts of others. Tacticians tend to find themselves in leadership roles often." Expected: This is just... poorly worded again. In general. A quick fix might be, "Tacticians are calculating and efficient. They rarely come into direct contact with their enemy, preferring to push their opponents into making mistakes and punishing them dearly for it. They tend to be distance from time to time due to their observant nature and intelligent, however at other times they can be very charismatic, using words to inspire armies or instil fear in the hearts of their enemies. Tacticians often find themselves in leadership roles." Character Rewarded: Hyuuga Tomoe Link: The Path of the Warlord Problem: RP Guide: "A character that follows the path of the True Warrior continues their path along that of a dedicated artist of combat." Expected: This seems like two-three potential sentences strung together? I'm not really sure how to fix this one here, but it needs some clarification... "A character following the path of the True Warrior continues down the path of a dedicated fighter." Character Rewarded: Hyuuga Tomoe Link: The Path of the Wise Problem: Description: "In their delves for esoteric information, many hold the secrets to powerful, and ancient abilities." Expected: Word choice. In their search? Character Rewarded: Hyuuga Tomoe

Link: Effects and Stats | Fazed Problem: Fazed: You have a -10% chance to hit one all attacks. (This is usually caused by bright flashes of light). Expected: "on all attacks" I think is what was meant? Character Rewarded: Hyuuga Tomoe Link: Weapon Attributes | Hidden Problem: Your weapon is made too be hidden within you clothing or as a package so others do not notice. Expected: "to be hidden within your clothing...others do not notice it." Character Rewarded: Hyuuga Tomoe Link: Weapon Attributes | Parry Problem: You have been trained too parry other weapon attacks. Effect: Your weapon is able to block (Take half damage with no dodge roll) another set of weapon attacks in a single turn a number of times equal too the rank you have in this. Can get up to 2 ranks. Expected: To and to~ Character Rewarded: Hyuuga Tomoe Link: Weapon Attributes | Defend Problem: You have been trained too defend against taijutsu and physical attack (punches, kicks, etc). Effect: Your weapon is able to block (Take half damage with no dodge roll) an Taijutsu or basic attack a number of times equal too the rank you have in this. Can get up to 2 ranks. Expected: To, "a Taijutsu", to. Character Rewarded: Hyuuga Tomoe Link: Weapon and Armor | Minor Affliction Problem: A weapon may never have more than one status linked to it "Chakra Blade" Expected: I assume this is trying to indicate that you can't have an affliction and a chakra blade effect on the same weapon? Either way, it's an incomplete sentence/confusing. Character Rewarded: Hyuuga Tomoe Link: Weapon and Armor | Greater Affliction Problem: A weapon may never have more than one status linked to it "Chakra Blade" Expected: Same problem as before, this is unclear if it's stating you can't have chakra blade and greater affliction on the same weapon or what else it could mean. Character Rewarded: Hyuuga Tomoe

So, I don't know if this counts at all, but I don't have an approved character yet either so yay! :3 This little typo/line has really been bothering me: Link: Taijutsu Styles | Lotus Style Problem: In the description there's a transliteration of Lotus, I.E. Renge, but it's surrounded by question marks. "(?? Renge?) Expected: Please just remove the question marks... or the reference entirely. Most of the stuff in the rules ignores references to Japanese source words like that, so it could just be removed entirely. Character Rewarded: Hyuuga, Tomoe? Link: The Path of the Mesmer Problem: The whole flavor text here is written just a little awkwardly, but the main issue are these two typos: "a skilled Mesmer could even talk brick mason into buying bricks," and "cunning and mysterious define these people." Expected: The first one just needs an article added, "talk a brick mason". The second, I guess you could say, "cunning and mystery define these people." Or... "These people are defined by their cunning and mysterious nature." Character Rewarded: Hyuuga, Tomoe? Link: Path of the Puppeteer Problem: This line in general, "They're very well versed in new age technology, and know just how to make things tick the right way They tend to enjoy control a little bit more then most, and have a tendency to 'become' their weapon, allowing their attacks to flow with the grace of a dancer." Expected: The first sentence doesn't end properly. You need a period after way and before They. "control a little bit more than most" will fix the other typo. Character Rewarded: Hyuuga, Tomoe? Link: Path of the Scout Problem: This RP guide: "-Character should have a love for travel, be a capable communicator, and should -not- have any skills which conflict with exploring, having a strong grasp of east, west, north, and south, and capability of finding yourself geographically. Intelligence and persistence would be useful personality traits to scout characters." Expected: The first sentence should match the later reference to characters, or the last reference could be changed to "trait to a scout character." But the use of the term characters seems standard for the other paths. Also this: "and the capability to find yourself geographically." Character Rewarded: Hyuuga, Tomoe? Link: Path of the Shaman Problem: This RP guide: "Pacifistic in nature, these characters can rarely lust for blood, nor will they out of their way to cause needless death and destruction. They can almost never bring themselves to inflict harm upon the earth, so wildly manipulating the elements to destroy the land would harm their deep connection with the world, and also cause their consequences to resonate through their own bodies. These characters have a deep respect for all things living and deceased, and can occasionally be rumored to commune with spirits long passed as they age." Expected: The entire thing is written really awkwardly... I would rewrite it all, " Pacifists in nature these characters rarely lust for blood. Nor will they go out of their way to cause needless death and destruction. They can almost never bring themselves to inflict harm upon the earth as wildly manipulating the elements to destroy the land harms their deep connection with the world; an action which resonates in their own bodies. These characters have a deep respect for all things living and dead, and have been rumored to commune with spirits long passed." If not a total rewrite, these two lines are typos: "these characters can rarely lust for blood," and "and also cause their consequences to resonate through their own bodies." Character Rewarded: Hyuuga, Tomoe? Link: Path of the Warrior Problem: Warrior's Way: "Elegant Warrior: May gain 2 ranks of 'Steadfast Durability' for 1 skill point." This RP guide: "A warrior might be a common born common talent shinobi who trains every hour of every day, or they might be a prodigy who might as well have been born in bedded in the arts." Expected: The fourth option of Warrior's Way uses the term "gain" 2 ranks, whereas the rest of the options say "take." It is unclear if this actually means something different mechanically? For the RP guide, the wording is strange. "A warrior might be a common born average shinobi who trains ever hour of every day, or they might be a prodigy who might as well have been born embedded within the arts." I think that's what that line was trying to say before. Character Rewarded: Hyuuga, Tomoe? Note: So this is just me, but maybe it might be confusing to other people, but when it says as an effect that you gain an additional JP every other level, that's implying the level after zero, right? So 1, 3, 5, etc? An example there might clarify... or I'm just foolish and it's fine on its own. Link: Advanced Path Description Problem: Description: "To take an Advanced Path, make sure you fit the requirements of the path, most importantly that you have taken the appropriate Basic Path." Expected: You need an article in there (and a comma): "make sure you fit the requirements of the path, and most importantly, that you have taken the appropriate Basic Path." Character Rewarded: Hyuuga, Tomoe Link: The Path of the Advanced Medic Problem: RP-Guide: "Though not all medi-nin are caring, it is very likely that a shinobi who has begun to follow the path of medical ninjutsu is and does care for others immensely. Intelligence is something which is for the most part required to be a Medical Ninja, and likewise, curiosity into medical practices and surgical procedures is likely. Despite the fact that shinobi that follow the path of the Advanced Medical Ninja are innately caring, their capacity to show is usually diminished, and in the case of some it is usually hidden behind a fear of loss." Expected: "not all medic-nin are caring", "follow the path of medical ninjutsu, is, and does, care for others immensely." and "their capacity to show this it is usually diminished, and in the case of some, it is usually hidden behind a fear of loss." Character Rewarded: Hyuuga, Tomoe Link: The Path of the Assassin Problem: Description: "Although all Ninja are supposed to be able to perform assassinations, there are assassins and there are assassins. These Ninja are dedicated to the highest forms of stealthiness and the most silent ways of killing: mastery of poisons and traps. They value precision in their attacks rather than brute strength, quickly finding their opponent's weakest points and take advantage of their extensive knowledge of the human anatomy and tendencies in battle." Also RP Guide: "Being an apothecary of death and mutilation, assassins are masters of traps and poisons, goading their opponents into their web of trickery, so that they may be assimilated in the most discreet and sudden ways imaginable." Expected: Overall really awkward and some clear typos: "there are assassins and then there are assassins." and "the highest forms of stealth and the most silent ways of killing; mastering the use of poisons and traps." and "They value precision in their attacks rather than brute strength, and quickly find their opponent's weakest points by taking advantage of their extensive knowledge of human anatomy and behavior in battle." And for the RP guide line, this is just unclear and odd, I would totally rework, maybe something like this: "Being an apothecary of death and mutilation, assassins are masters of traps and poisons. They goad their opponents into making deadly mistakes through their trickery and deceit." Character Rewarded: Hyuuga, Tomoe Link: The Path of the Combatative Medic Problem: Description: "With advanced knowledge of human body and its weaknesses, the Combat Medics can deploy dead offense type medical ninjutsu to devastate their opponents." Expected: "deadly" Character Rewarded: Hyuuga, Tomoe Link: The Path of the Guardian Problem: Teachings of the Aegis: " - Elusive: User may take 'Iron Will', 'Knowing the Elements', and 'The Seeing MInd' for -1 SP and an additional time for every rank after Chuunin they have up to Sennin, and do so with at the cost of -1 SP on each rank. (Chuunin +1; Jounin +2; Sennin +3)" and RP Guide: "True Defenders are thoughtless, loyal, and their determination has no equal, and will gladly exchange their life for a peasant." Expected: "The Seeing Mind" and for the RP Guide, this really should be more than one sentence but still, "and they will gladly exchange their life for a peasant." Character Rewarded: Hyuuga, Tomoe Link: The Path of the Harmonious Problem: Description: "Honing their expertise of many disciplines, these shinobi are adept in controlling and combining their energies." and RP Guide: "The ninja themselves can be as diverse as the techniques they wield, though they all share and underlying appreciation for making opposing forces work together." Expected: "Honing their expertise in many disciplines, these shinobi are adept at controlling..." and "diverse as the techniques they weild though they all share an underlying appreciation..." Character Rewarded: Hyuuga, Tomoe Link: The Path of the Mercenary Problem: RP Guide: "The mercenary is a truly cunning foe, and one who is always fighting for their own cause.i>" Expected: There's that extra bit of coding at the end that needs to be removed. Character Rewarded: Hyuuga, Tomoe Link: The Path of the Mystic Problem: Summoning Mastery: "Ink Mastery: The skill Summoning Tattoo now costs -1. The roll penalty is reduced from -50 to -20. Portal Mastery: May bring a second summon onto the field during battle. The second summon has a -30 roll penalty due to the difficulty." Expected: So first off, the description for this path is just confusing as all get-out. But I don't know what it was really trying to say so I didn't try to fix it or guess. But for the effects, these two refer to numbers but don't tell you what they are. I assume Ink Mastery means -1 SP, but Portal Mastery also doesn't specify what the minus is to for that roll. (You could look up summoning rules, but it looks like in general you've been trying to include this sort of detail in the paths thus far.) Character Rewarded: Hyuuga, Tomoe So most of these are really tiny spelling errors or grammar or context or something, if you'd rather I not point these out, that's fine. (Also if you'd rather not give rewards for this, that too is fine.) In general the paths seem to be written pretty awkwardly across the board. I didn't take a go at all of them because it'd just be rewriting so much, but someone might want to look around and clean up/clarify some of the stuff in there.

Fixed~

Hullo, hullo~ Thank you for the welcome! I'm glad it looks like I know what I'm doing. But that is only thanks to everyone who has been so helpful in answering my incessant questions.

Okay, thank you for letting me edit a bit. Under KC-san's recommendations, I have converted this character to an Academy Student. I removed the last few lines from her history about graduating the Academy. Her stats are now from a pool of 100. She gained the hindrances: Academy Student and No Element. I removed her Gennin level Taijutsu. I believe this is alright now.