Bombardier Beetle Bloodline

[Rhap Sodos]

Moved back to Custom per Tygerin's request. 

[tygerin]

completed the changes to it...

[tygerin]

edited with the changes discussed in chat

[cntrstrk14]

Very first thing above this all, have you considered using the "Blast" element instead of Detonation? Blast is the canon version, I'm not sure what its current state is, but it seems weird to have a Ninjutsu Element style ability that is basically thematically the same thing. Not that big a deal, just a note.

Also, I am assuming that since Detonation is a Ninjutsu Element that you want to make for your clan for these comments. We can adjust if it is not.

 

Bakugō sutairu: Bītorujeneshisu - Detonation Style: Beetle Genesis

Rank Requirements

Rank 1 – Character Creation

Rank 2 – Level 10

Rank 3 – Chuunin or Level 25

Rank 4 – Jounin or Level 50

So the very first thing that got me with this bloodline is the ordering of stuff. You put the rank requirements above the Sukarabe Bon, which I assume is the main portion of the bloodline? Unless these requirements apply to the skills below I would just roll these requirements into the ranks below, to make it very clear when reading. I'll show my suggestion below.

 

Sukarabe bōn - Scarab Borne

The ninja, as a beetle is born with a physiology which differs from regular humans, internally they similar to humans, but without a skeletal system. Their skin although resembling humans, is really a hard chitinous chambers which protect their bodies from harm and puncture. The young still has to develop the appropriate hardness to grant them invulnerability to their own natural weaponry.

Effects:

-The bloodline recipient is able to produce enough gel to form small weaponry [spikes, senbon, kunai] in the setup phase for the use of techniques or basic weapon attacks.  

-They are also able to use this same gel to coat objects to explode on impact with their intended target. 

- The limit of small weaponry created and used is based on basic attack rules for battle by ninja rank.

-Bloodline jutsu receives tag:

-Status Effects Burned or burning have no effect on the ninja of this bloodline. Ice element does double damage while cold related status effects gain additional turn

 

I'm not sure when you get access to certain abilities here since there is the bullet point above and the ranks below. I would combine the two to make it more clear, as I assume you get the bullet points above only after purchasing the ranks below.

 

Detonation Style

Effect: Allows the use of jutsu with the Detonation descriptor/tag. Detonation is treated as if dealt [Void] damage

 

Rank 1:

-They are able to resist damage from fire element attacks. Reducing total damage to 90%

-2    

 

Rank 2

-They are able to resist damage to fire element attacks. Reducing total damage to 80%

-1

 

Rank 3

-They are able to resist damage to fire element attacks. Reducing total damage to 70%

-1

 

Rank 4

-They are able to resist damage to fire element attacks. Reducing total damage to 60%

-1

 

So, like I said above, the abilities are mostly fine, but the organization makes it very hard to understand what comes from where. So let's break it up specifically into ranks for effects. Here is my suggestion.

 

[color=#ff0000][b]Sukarabe Bōn - Scarab Borne[/b][/color]
[color=#ffa500]The ninja, as a beetle is born with a physiology which differs from regular humans, internally they similar to humans, but without a skeletal system. Their skin although resembling humans, is really a hard chitinous chambers which protect their bodies from harm and puncture. The young still has to develop the appropriate hardness to grant them invulnerability to their own natural weaponry.[/color]

[color=#ffa500]Rank 1:[/color]
[color=#ffa500]- Reducing total damage from Fire Element attacks to 90%.[/color]
[color=#ffa500]- User may use "Detonation" element techniques. [/color]
[color=#ffa500]- User may create x small weapons* in their Setup Phase for the cost of x Chakra. The value of x may not be greater than the total number of small weapons the user could throw in their Main Phase, determined by their rank.[/color]
[color=#ffa500]- User takes double damage from Ice Element attacks and cold based Status Effects last an additional turn.[/color]
[color=#ffa500]Requirements: Must be taken at Character Creation.[/color]
[color=#ffa500]Cost: -2 SP[/color]
 
[color=#ffa500]Rank 2[/color]
[color=#ffa500]- Reducing total damage from Fire Element attacks to 80%.[/color]
[color=#ffa500]- The user takes half damage from the Status Effect "Burning", rounded down. [/color]
[color=#ffa500]Requirements: Level 10[/color]
[color=#ffa500]Cost: -1 SP[/color]
 
[color=#ffa500]Rank 3[/color]
[color=#ffa500]- Reducing total damage from Fire Element attacks to 70%.[/color]
[color=#ffa500]- The user is immune to the Status Effect "Burned". [/color]
[color=#ffa500]Requirements: Chuunin or Level 25[/color]
[color=#ffa500]Cost: -1 SP[/color]
 
[color=#ffa500]Rank 4[/color]
[color=#ffa500]- Reducing total damage from Fire Element attacks to 60%.[/color]
[color=#ffa500]- The user is immune to the Status Effect "Burning". [/color]
[color=#ffa500]Requirements: Jounin or Level 50[/color]
[color=#ffa500]Cost: -1 SP[/color]

[color=#ffa500]*Small Weapons: The user may create one of three small weapons with their ability.[/color]
[color=#ffa500]- Spike: <put base damage you wish here>[/color]
[color=#ffa500]- Kunai: 8 Base Damage[/color]
[color=#ffa500]- Senbon: 2 Base Damage[/color]

A few notes on the above.

- I put a (very small) cost on the ability to make small weapons in the Setup Phase. Mostly because an unlimited supply of the weapons at no cost felt strange to me as an add on ability. I hope that 1 chakra per weapon will not break the metaphorical bank. We can discuss this if its too much.

- On that note, I very clearly lined out the 3 types of small weapons that can be made with this. I think 3 is a good number. Feel free to tweak them a bit. For instance, Kunai could be the basic 8 Base Damage. Maybe Spike does less damage and has some other minor effect. Senbon for instance could deal 2 Base Damage & +1% Chance to Hit. Some small bonus to give them a little more flavor and reason for different choices.

- I removed the abilities "They are also able to use this same gel to coat objects to explode on impact with their intended target." and "They are also able to use this same gel to coat objects to explode on impact with their intended target." because they do not have any system meaning as written. It felt like it should be in the description above and not in the actual effects. If you want to work this back in let me know what you want to do with it and we can figure it out. Otherwise it's probably best to just role play that they explode and maybe keep the ability in techniques if you want effects for it.

- I spread the immunity effects out since they are very strong and should likely not be worth just -2 SP on top of the other abilities. I want to drive a user of this bloodline to obtain higher ranks, getting everything at the start makes it much less compelling to proceed.

- I rolled the rank requirements into the skill itself.

- Removed "Detonation Style" from this portion because it felt odd. You were piling too much on this first area, let's move that out somewhere below.

 

 

Kyōgeki burittsu - Pincer Blitz

The fighting method which the recipient adopted uses their bloodline beneficially. The ninja combined their physical prowess gained from the rhinoceros beetle along with the explosive gel of the bombardier beetle, making every blow or strike at the target with the added damage from an explosion.

Requirement: must have both Bonbarudia bunpitsu & Saibītoru niku

Effects:

- Able to apply detonation gel to target limb in setup phase to be used with taijutsu/basic attack with the cost & potential damage of gel being 1x, x = user's level

- any attack using gel by this method only gains half [50%] ninjutsu mods

- any attack using gel by this method does not stack with other bloodline skills

Ranks: 2

-2

 

My first though is that if it requires Bonbarudia bunpitsu & Saibītoru niku that this should probably be listed below Saibītoru niku. Secondly, and maybe this is just me, but it bugs me that all the names are Uppercase lowercase (japanese), Uppercase Uppercase (english). I think it would look much better as Uppercase Uppercase on both.

Secondly, I have no idea what a second rank of this skill does. There is not "per rank" mention in the effects.

Third, let's do a formatting pass again.

 

[b]Kyōgeki Burittsu - Pincer Blitz[/b][/color]
[color=#ffa500]The fighting method which the recipient adopted uses their bloodline beneficially. The ninja combined their physical prowess gained from the rhinoceros beetle along with the explosive gel of the bombardier beetle, making every blow or strike at the target with the added damage from an explosion.[/color]
[color=#ffa500]Requirements: Bonbarudia Bunpitsu & Saibītoru Niku[/color]
[b][color=#ff0000]Effects[/color][/b][color=#ffa500]:[/color]
[color=#ffa500]- The user may pay x Chakra in their Setup Phase to give a bonus x Detonation damage to a Taijutsu or Basic Attack used in the following Main Phase. The value of x is equal to the user's level.[/color]
[color=#ffa500]- If a Taijutsu is used in the Main Phase, it is considered to be a Ninjutsu & Taijutsu hybrid and follows those rules.[/color]
[color=#ffa500]- If a Basic Attack is used in the Main Phase, the user additional gains +5 damage for every 30 Ninjutsu they have.[/color]
[color=#ffa500]- Any attack using gel by this method does not stack with other bloodline skills.[/color]
[color=#ffa500]Cost: -2 SP[/color]

Notes:

- Removed the ninjutsu modifier portion. Replaced with making it a hybrid. This will give you better use of modifiers.

- Changed the clause about Basic Attacks to be more clear.

- Unsure if the "Any attack using gel by this method, etc etc" is necessary, but I will leave it for now.

- Removed ranks because I am unsure of what it does.

 

Bonbarudia bunpitsu - Bombardier Secretions

Description: As the ninja of this lineage grows, their body adapts the glandular system more effectively. The explosive qualities of the mixture courses through their system ready for its various use, granting stronger blast yields from it.

Effect: For each rank in this skill increase base damage dealt by Detonation style techniques which the wielder by 1x, where x is equal to the wielder’s level

Ranks: 2

Cost: -2

4 SP to gain +240 base damage on all Detonation attacks at level 120 seems really good. Especially if this stacks with Ninjutsu Mastery which gives +80 damage for 4 SP (+160 if you have the path that gives it at 2 for 1). Maybe this shouldn't stack with Ninjutsu Mastery or other effects? I'm sure you're using some other bloodline as a base, but Ninjutsu Mastery and similar skills have changed a lot since then.

You also have the ability above that gives you bonus damage to Taijutsu and Basic attacks. I would probably choose one method of bonus damage for the bloodline and stick to it, having two makes it a bit muddy.

 

Saibītoru niku - Rhino Beetle flesh

Description: The ninja was born without a skeletal system; instead they have a chitinous flesh which resembles that of human flesh, but given a dull appearance. Like the Rhinoceros beetle, the user is granted increased physical prowess. 

Passive Effect: User takes 5 less damage for every 15 points of Defense instead of 20.

Activated Effect [Advanced System]: During the user's setup phase, the User may activate their Rhino Beetle flesh for 5% Total Stamina, 2.5% each turn activated. They may deactivate it during any setup phase as a 'free action'.

Stamina regeneration will be set to every third turn instead of every other turn.‏

Effect:

Rank 1: While it is activated, for each rank in this skill, increase taijutsu and defense by 2x, where x is equal to the user's level (rounded up to the nearest 20th level)

Rank 2: While it is activated, for each rank in this skill, increase taijutsu and defense by 3x, where x is equal to the user's level (rounded up to the nearest 20th level)

Rank 3: While it is activated, for each rank in this skill, increase taijutsu and defense by 4x, where x is equal to the user's level (rounded up to the nearest 20th level)

Cost: -3

Increasing the effectiveness of defense is pretty big (and scary), and also very different than anything else in this bloodline so far. I am guessing, based on the requirements of other stuff, that this and "Sukarabe Bōn" are the two "major" pillars of the bloodline. If so this can work, but we need to make sure that those two are your focus and the rest of these skills are "auxiliary" things that just make you better at the bloodline. We mostly do this through organization.

First off, should be 5% and 5% for the cost and upkeep. Most AS with bonuses like this are priced in that way to negate normal regeneration. In addition, what happens if you have advanced regeneration skills that give you regeneration every turn instead of every other? Do you still only regenerate every third turn? A little unclear.

 

Hakkinguhaibu kokoro - Hive Mind Hacking

Through the user's bestial nature due to its birth, they are able to Chem, which is the ability to communicate with the insects around him in the form of a hive mind. Once he connects, he is able to assume psychic invisibility to the insects while gaining their awareness of the battlefield.

Effect: User is able to enter the minds of any form of insects on the battlefield as their own based on roll using formula [base + nin - con].

If successful, for each rank in skill Accuracy and Evasion mods increase by 10%

Ranks: 3

-2

What is the base? Is it a 1d100? 1d50? 1d80000000? What is needed to succeed on this roll? When is this roll made? How often can it be made? How long does the ability last in battle? Who's con is subtracted? Your own?

I like the idea, but there are a lot of questions unanswered on how it works. Also, does this just let you see out of their eyes? I hope it doesn't let you control them, as it would be very odd for you to be able to just steal an Abarame's insects, lol.

 

Shinka no bunpitsu - Evolutionary Secretion

Through constant manipulation of his natural skills and elemental mastery, the user is able to combine his gel with elements which he learned.

Effect: User is able to add known subtle or combinatorial elements to gel

-1

You've mentioned gel before, but it was not very well defined? Which abilities are gel? Can you put any element into them? This seems like a cool idea, but also a mastery. Should probably be restricted to be learned after you learn all ranks of the "main" pillars of the bloodline (Sukarabe Bōn and Saibītoru Niku)

 

 

Ue chishiki - Ravenous Knowledge

Description: The ravenous nature of their primal state also grants the ninja a unique ability. As the species evolves to gain the natural defenses granted from its prey, the subject is able to gain knowledge through cannibalism. The consumption of the brain tissue and fluids allows for the ninja to advance his own knowledge through the perspective of the deceased in order to make them a more cunning predator.

Effect:

- The Ninja gains additional experience based on rank of consumed ninja: Gennin=10%,Chunnin=20%,Jounin=30%

-The ninja must roll a 1d100 in order to gain the possibility of gleaming a jutsu from the memories of the ninja consumed. The roll should be greater than y[nin rank] - x[concentration mod]

Gennin=50,Chunnin=60,Jounin=70

-3

Morbid as fuck, but I like it. The roll doesn't seem to hard to beat. Doesn't seem like much of a gamble since each rank gives only +10 difficulty and each 10 Con will give your roll +1. 700 Concentration makes this a 100% win rate for Jounin, and 500 makes it 100% win rate for Gennin. Seems odd that the spread there is only 200 points.

[tygerin]

Made the changes

[cntrstrk14]

Okay, this is looking visually MUCH better. Way easier for me to read and digest, excellent.
 
General
1.) You still have the rank requirements outside and above the rest of the bloodline. This is still a bit confusing for reading. Does this mean that "Kyōgeki Burittsu - Pincer Blitz" requires level 10 to take the second rank? I would highly suggest just putting rank requirements inside each of the skills, even if you are repeating yourself a lot. You did it for the first branch, I kind of think you accidentally left these here.
2.) Whats with the two images of frozen branches? Did you mean to use this picture and twice? I don't get it.
3.) Formatting itch, you have "Saibītoru Niku - Rhino Beetle flesh" and "Sukarabe Bōn [scarab Borne]". Can we A.) Make all the words capitalized and B.) Either use [ ]'s for both or use dashes for both? Making the names uniform really ties together the polish on the bloodline.
 
 
Sukarabe Bōn — Scarab Borne
I think the effects here are looking pretty good. I would change the costs for all of these to be -2. As the main branch of a bloodline, -8 SP for the bonuses you get by the end seems pretty well rounded. Also, change the formatting so that you only have a single - in each of the bullet points.
 
 
Saibītoru Niku — Rhino Beetle Flesh
This is the second of two pillars of the bloodline. Scarab Borne and Rhino Beetle Flesh are the two main branches of this. As such, I am okay with the -5 Damage per 15 effect you have going on here. This type of effect is really good and should only be a main focus of a bloodline, which I believe yours is. You are very focused on the hard shell defense, which I like.
 
That said, we need to figure out your ranks a bit better. I think that because of the large bonus you get up front with the Passive (obtained at Rank 1 I assume) we should price it at -4 SP for Rank 1 // -2 SP for Ranks 2&3. So let's do this....
 

[color=#ff0000][b][size=5]Saibītoru Niku - Rhino Beetle Flesh[/size][/b][/color]
[color=#ff8c00][b]Description:[/b] The ninja was born without a skeletal system; instead they have a chitinous flesh which resembles that of human flesh, but given a dull appearance. Like the Rhinoceros beetle, the user is granted increased physical prowess. [/color]
[color=#ff0000][b]Passive Effect:[/b][/color] [color=#ff8c00]The user takes 5 less damage for every 15 points of Defense instead of 20.[/color]
[color=#ff0000][b]Activated Effect [Advanced System]:[/b][/color] [color=#ff8c00]During the user's Setup Phase they may activate their Rhino Beetle Flesh for 5% Total Stamina, 5% Total Stamina Upkeep each turn following. They may deactivate this bloodline during their Setup Phase as a free action.[/color]
[color=#ff8c00]When activated all Stamina regeneration will be set to every third turn and advanced regeneration skills are suspended.[/color]‏
[color=#ff0000][b][size=5]Effect:[/size][/b][/color]
[color=#ff8c00][b]Rank 1:[/b] While activate, increase Taijutsu and Defense by 2x, where x is equal to the user's level.[/color]
[color=#ff8c00][b]Rank 2:[/b] While activate, increase Taijutsu and Defense by 3x, where x is equal to the user's level.[/color]
[color=#ff8c00][b]Rank 3:[/b] While activate, increase Taijutsu and Defense by 4x, where x is equal to the user's level.[/color]
[color=#ff8c00][b]Cost:[/b] -4 SP (Rank 1) | -2 SP (Ranks 2 & 3)[/color]

Bonbarudia Bunpitsu - Bombardier Secretions

So, this is where we start to get outside of the two pillars of your bloodline. Since this bonus damage is not a major focus like the above, we need to look at these numbers. +240 base damage is a LOT of damage to gain passively. That is equivalent to a +960 Ninjutsu boost. That's on par with a lot of Advanced Systems. Let's tone this down and possibly only make it one rank. Instead of adding to the level, maybe just adding a bonus +10% to base damage for all techniques of this style? 

 

 

Kyōgeki Burittsu - Pincer Blitz

Another bonus damage for Detonation Style skill? I would pick a single bonus damage skill you like and stick with it and make it good. Either the one above or this one, whichever you like better mechanically. 

 

 

Hakkinguhaibu Kokoro - Hive Mind Hacking

I like this idea, but the effects are still very loose. How do you know how many insects are on the field? If you are in a forest can you just say there are 100 insects around? Do they have to be user created? I have no idea what the scale of this could be. I also still don't know what a "success" is with your dodge roll. If I roll a 17 and add my Ninjutsu and subtract my Concentration I get a total of 32. What does '32' mean and was I successful? No idea.

 

 

Shinka no Bunpitsu - Evolutionary Secretion

I like this. Very straightforward, however I don't know what exactly constitutes "gel". You don't define it clearly anywhere. Is this just any jutsu you say has "gel" in the description? I would suggest making it work with the +damage skill you choose above and instead of saying "Gel" say like "Any jutsu with a damage bonus from 'Kyōgeki Burittsu - Pincer Blitz' can have elements attached, etc. etc."

 

 

Ue Chishiki - Ravenous Knowledge

This ability seems slightly out of place with the rest of your abilities. I would suggest thinking if you really want to include this. If you do, it might be better as a technique, though that would remove the chance to gain techniques and only make it an information stealing technique. 

[tygerin]

done with revisions

[cntrstrk14]

Iteration iteration! We're almost there, this is looking really good.

Sukarabe Bōn [scarab Borne]

I was thinking about the small weapon generation, and I am just unsure of why anyone would ever not just make the spike every time. Let's try this...

- Spike: 10 Base Damage, +1 Chakra to create

- Kunai: 8 Base Damage

- Senbon: 1 Base Damage, +1% Chance to Hit

Otherwise this looks good for approval.

Saibītoru Niku [Rhino Beetle Flesh]

A few things still existing in the current wording for the ranks.

- I'm fine with rounding up to the nearest 20.

- Saying "for each rank in this skill" means that the first rank gives you 2x, the second rank gives you 2(3x) and the third rank gives you 3(4x). That's crazy huge and I don't think its what you mean.

- Make sure to mention that ranks do not stack with each other.

- You need to add requirements to these ranks, otherwise you can have all three ranks by level 10.

- Small Peeve: Capitalize "Setup Phase", "Taijutsu" and "Defense". When referring to proper nouns in terms of game mechanics the rule of thumb is to capitalize them, especially stats and phases.

Bonbarudia Bunpitsu - Bombardier Secretions

Looks good! Just add a little "+" before 10% to be clear. Some might read that as all your Detonation style attacks only deal 10% of their damage.

Kyōgeki Burittsu - Pincer Blitz

For your requirements, I assume you meant just any rank of these skills? If so I would just say "Bonbarudia Bunpits; Rank 1 & Saibītoru Niku; Rank 1" to be crystal clear.

Hakkinguhaibu Kokoro - Hive Mind Hacking

So I've asked for clarification here twice and the skill has yet to make any changes and you haven't replied with any answers.

Shinka no Bunpitsu - Evolutionary Secretion

So close here! But the new wording let's me know what you are trying to do. Let's change the effec to this wording: "User is able to add a known Subtle or Combinatorial Elements to weaponry created with Sukarabe Bōn or Ninjutsu modified by Bonbarudia Bunpitsu."

[tygerin]

made the adjustments to wording and format as advised

[cntrstrk14]

Sukarabe Bōn [scarab Borne]
- You made the Spike 20 damage now instead of 10 and still the same cost. See my last post.


Saibītoru Niku [Rhino Beetle Flesh]
- You still don't mention that the ranks do not stack.
- I would suggest spreading the ranks out a bit on the bloodling. Being able to finish the branch by level 25 leaves 95 levels of no progress.


Your image here is broken. If you were hosting from somewhere I suggest making an account on imgur and hosting your images on there from now on. Sometimes images disappear from other places.


Bonbarudia Bunpitsu - Bombardier Secretions
- Good!


Kyōgeki Burittsu - Pincer Blitz
- Good!


Hakkinguhaibu Kokoro - Hive Mind Hacking
- You have still not addressed any of my concerns here. I have no idea what this is doing or why outside of RP. Here is a quote of where I raised my concerns originally.

I like this idea, but the effects are still very loose. How do you know how many insects are on the field? If you are in a forest can you just say there are 100 insects around? Do they have to be user created? I have no idea what the scale of this could be. I also still don't know what a "success" is with your dodge roll. If I roll a 17 and add my Ninjutsu and subtract my Concentration I get a total of 32. What does '32' mean and was I successful? No idea.

 

 

Shinka no Bunpitsu - Evolutionary Secretion
- Great! Nailed the wording here.

[tygerin]

Done

[tygerin]

Removed wording for weapon creation and simply allowed coating of the weaponry in the setup phase. 

[tygerin]

bump no jutsu

[tygerin]

Removed the hacking bump

[Cellar Door]

Scarab-Borne: Good

Rhino Beetle Flesh: Increase the level requirements to; 0, 20, 40 on these. 4x is a large bonus at level 25.

Bombardier Secretions: Good

Pincer Blitz: Good

Evolutionary Secretion: Good

[tygerin]

Done

[Cellar Door]

+1

[Hardcore Skittlez]

Weapon coating doesn't actually indicate how many weapons you can coat in a turn. It just says X, and then goes on to say it costs X, where X is equal to the weapon's base damage. Since X is your variable throughout, it makes the math of the skill nearly impossible. Further- what does coating a small weapon actually do? It doesn't indicate that anywhere.

 

The final skill still references making weapons. It also cites "Mastery of..." as the requirement, but does not indicate what that Mastery is. I assume you mean that it requires all 4 ranks of the first skill-- if that's the case, you should change "Mastery of..." to "Rank 4 of..." instead.

[tygerin]

how small weapons can you use in a turn... that would be the number of weapons which you can coat

so x is paying chakra for the base damage of the weapon which you coated... how many x? how many weapons are  you going to use in the turn

It says that it adds detonation gel to it... which is the detonation element... which is ninjutsu

[Hardcore Skittlez]

Approved

[Cellar Door]

Approved 2

[cntrstrk14]

Moved back by request.

[tygerin]

Edited to change the element to the newly revamped [Explosion] tag so that I no longer have to create a similar element.

 

 

It is now ready

[tygerin]

12 day bump

[Peregine]

This only streamlines the bloodline, which is good. Approved.